Anatomy of a wedding

Jeron and Beth got married on Saturday. Maggie made a syllabus to plan everything out. People made fun of it, but no one complained when everything ran super duper smoothly and nothing bad happened. I now feel like a wedding expert, having done one myself and been intimately involved in this one. Here’s what happened, blow by blow.

7:00 AM: Me, Mag, Jeron, and Kate all eat at Serlin’s Café. We each have the Steak and Eggs special, which at $6 is a great deal. Maggie deviates by having an omelette.
8:00 AM: Mag and I go decorate the church.
9:00 AM: Mag goes to work on the reception site, I go pick up the keg of Paulaner Hefeweizen. Afterwards I get a bouquet of balloons. Jeron goes home to deal with a last minute honeymoon issue.
10:30 AM: Finished with my stupid errands, I grab the clothing, rings, and license from the Home Base and go to meet Jeron.
11:00 AM: I introduce Jeron to my friend Glen, and we head to play a round of disc golf.
1:00 PM: We return back to Jeron’s place and change.
2:00 PM: We’re at the church ready to go.
3:00 PM: Official start of the wedding. Unfortunately, Jeron’s grandparents are late and it delays the wedding a good 10 minutes while we wait for them. They never do show up. While we’re waiting for the guests, Dianne goes inside to hug Jeron, leading to the outstanding quote “HUGGING IS NOT ON THE SYLLABUS!” from Mag. Much laughing results.
4:00 PM: Reception begins. A freak cloudburst hits right around this time, but only lasts about ten minutes and is quickly replaced by sun. The band is good, but not terribly respectful of the fact they are playing at a reception and not at a freaking concert. Despite repeated requests, they never do turn their music down. At its peak, the reception has around 120 people. People have a great time. Menu is Bratwurst, kraut, penne pasta with sun-dried tomatoes, Chinese Cole Slaw, and marinated vegetables.
7:00 PM: Band quits playing. People can start talking and everyone is happy. I set up a monster croquet course in the front yard.
8:00 PM: Keg runs dry. Jeron and friends go to get more beer. I have long since quit drinking by this point, but Jeron returns with a Salvator Doppelbock and hands it to me. I attempt to decline, but he says, almost pouting, “but I got this type because you like it.” I am touched, and of course I drink the beer. One of Jeron’s friends is arrested for a controversial DUI.
10:00 PM: Most older people are gone. Party continues. Some people are inebriated. People still having a fantastic time.
11:00 PM: Neighbors light a bonfire. Remaining people gather around and talk about various subjects.
12:00 AM: Exhausted, I exercise Denigrated Driver discretion and drag my charges from the party.

As you can see, the wedding itself is a very small part of the Wedding. When planning, put all of your preparation into the reception. And get good beer. The Paulaner is always a good bet.

Rare Double Bloggage

Let’s not forget that I started this stupid page as a place to collate my links and entertain myself and certain select people. Despite the fact that I keep getting sidetracked on my own semi-fruitless quest to pronounce a personal philosophy and political purpose, when I get down to it I’m after some web entertainment the same as everyone else is. With that in mind, I have collected a few rather amusing links in the last few days. First, I have blogged several instances of Pies Thrown in Faces, yet never before have I heard of Friendly Pie Fire. Yes, Calvin Klein, who is a friend to the animal rights community, was accidentally hit by several pieces of pie designated for Karl Lagerfeld, who is not. Worst of all, Karl got off relatively unscathed, while Calvin took it on the chin. Poor Calvin. Boy, does that Tofu Cream Pie sound good about now.

"Our activists won't win any prizes for their aim but they would for their compassion and devotion to animals," said Andrew Butler, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

When you absolutely, positively, have to have more stupid southern similes than you can shake a stick at: the Dukes of Hazzard quote page. Boss: "She's slipperier than a water snake in a grease pit."

They don’t make them like they used to: This light bulb hanging in a fire station in Livermore, CA has been continuously burning since June 8, 1901. At 4 watts, it’s not exactly a flood light, but talk about reliable.

Maggie found this page on the Coriolis Effect and its relationship to the direction your toilets drain. Contrary to popular belief, the Coriolis effect isn’t powerful enough to make a difference in this mundane effect. However, there is a fascinating scam at the Equator in Kenya described in this page, where you go to one side of the equator and water drains one direction and on the other side it goes the other way. Despite the fact the author knows this is a fake, no one knows how they do it. Hmmmm.

Pluggin’ away for my buddy Jeff

The man with more indy cred in his scruffy goatee than I have in my whole body, Jeff, just got this fascinating article published in In These Times. Check it out. It’s really very interesting; a tale about a great grandmother in BC who has gone to jail getting in the way of logging trucks.