is older than it's ever been and now it's even older



AGREEMENT made this THIRTY-FIRST day of OCTOBER, 2003 by and between Lucifer Industries of Phlegeston, LLC, doing business as THE DEVIL (herein called "Satan") and MASTER OWNER __________________________________ of MINNESOTA (herein called "Seller").

WHEREAS, Seller is the owner of a SOUL;
WHEREAS, Seller desires to sell and assign the said SOUL to Satan,

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the foregoing and of the mutual promises hereinafter set forth, it is agreed:
1. Seller, at the termination of Seller’s natural life, will furnish Satan, at Seller's expense, with Seller’s soul. Seller will be allowed to retain control of said soul prior to death as holder of a limited life tenancy.
2. Seller represents that it possesses all rights in, and the full and exclusive ownership of the said soul. Seller hereby irrevocably assigns, grants and conveys all of its rights in the said soul for ALL ETERNITY, excepting the limited grant of life tenancy described in section 1.
3. Seller further represents and warrants:
a. It has the full right, power and authority to enter into and to perform this agreement, and it has not granted and it will not grant or attempt to grant to any other person, firm or corporation, rights of any kind inconsistent with the aforesaid grant and which rights would derogate from the rights granted to Satan hereunder.
b. It has not heretofore assigned, pledged or hypothecated the soul thereof; the same is in all respects free and clear of any and all liens, mortgages, debts and other encumbrances.
c. It has paid all costs incurred by reason of the manufacture of or creation of the said soul, and all costs related to the creation and design of the body housing said soul.
d. There is no claim or litigation pending or threatened involving the soul.
4. Any and all judicial remedies for breach of this contract are hereby WAIVED. Seller acknowledges that no intervenors may question the validity of this contract and its claims, including but not limited to Jesus, Allah, God, Yahweh, Santa Claus, The Great Pumpkin, Buddha, Vishnu, Krishna, Mithra, Mothra, Jebus, Godzilla, or Seller’s mother. All claims for relief under this contract shall be heard by a panel, at Seller’s expense, comprised of:
- Mephistopheles
- Ba’alzebub
- a representative of Seller’s choosing
5. As full compensation for the rights granted by Seller in the soul, Satan agrees to pay the following:
a. _____________________
b. Sexual intercourse at a frequency to be negotiated later with representatives of Satan, but no fewer than 75 times per year, commencing January 1, 2004 or a flat guaranteed sum of 3500 instances over the lifetime of the contract.
6. Redemption clause. At any time prior to termination of Seller’s life, Seller may redeem Seller’s soul by:
a. Simultaneous delivery of no fewer than ten (10) other souls or
b. Besting a designated representative of Lucifer Industries at the fiddle.

(signature block)

You have my full permission to use this contract at parties, but if you reproduce it in print or digital media, please acknowledge me and/or the site.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home